The Burden of Being Satan

My life led me to embrace the persona of Satan in my close circle. What started of as trauma from the church rooting from an exclusion led me down to road to atheism and then Satanism in the early 2020's as this was COVID era and there was abundant access to materials on the internet I was so attracted to the ideas and stance put forward by the TST which was based in US. Their fights for bodily autonomy and separation of state from church really inspired me to signup their membership form and sometime in 2021 I officially became a member of TST. I read up on the history of the Satanic Panic and early scientific thinkers who were all branded as the devil worshipers by the church, how the church made it's followers believe anything from rock bands to DnD campaigns are the works of devil... fast forward to post COVID / late stage COVID campus where life in campus was returning to normalcy I came back to the circle of my friends and I believe it was either Swathi or Nyma who started callin' me by the name "Satan" the name got cemented thanks to the Tathva 5s season 1 which the team Tathva 21 conducted for the first time. It was a fresh kinda football unlike the "4th Years presents Fourz" powered by ragam, and it feels nice that it's legacy is kept on as we reach season 5. I was the goalie for our team (Shaji and the Boys) and Mathew who was doing the commentary made my name public by sayin' The goal line of "Shaji and Boys" is kept safe by "Satan Vysakh". From then onward the name became my identity, My friends made it a habit to address me as "Satane" with love, and I even loved that name 'cause I think it was the first ever nickname I loved (school time ones were baddd). Around the same time I even started an Insta page TST NITC to piss of the JY Kids in campus. We did some fun stuff and kept them on their toes, includin' distributing free contraception in front of the "Pro-Birth" stall they did for Ragam 23.

This and all the other acts of defiance I ever did in campus including the staging of rama rajyam protest, and the ones that followed, various other small and big issues I got into, and now with my love life too I made choices which are hard to digest and don't make sense at all, to anyone but me. And the pattern I see here is that all my actions ended up hurting those who are close to me by a lot. back in the end of 2023 I've been sleeping in the mega hostel with the B21 Tathva team, I still remember making New years resolutions for 2024 in 1F, attending my first ever job interview, finishing the assignment task for the job etc. But then came new year and even tho I still believe and stand by what I did... I shattered the dreams of those who gave a place for me to sleep, and took away the fruits of one of their biggest efforts that they ever did in campus. Sure I can still blame the admin for handling this the way they did and I can unburden myself from being responsible for whatever that had happened. The question remains... if I knew that all this would end up like this would I have done all this the same way I did ??? and to be honest I don't know... I see this cycle in my life where I make myself attach myself to something I deeply love, and when I do I become blind, blinded to everything even maybe blinded from the actual well being of what I love as well. More and more as my life goes on more and more I question myself am I doomed to loose everything I love on the road I take to avoid loosing them ?

Most of these acts of defiance I do are strongly motivated by my unexplainable deep urge which I could call my gut feeling... and most of the times I follow it I'd end up getting that high when there's a reward. The high you get when you find out what your gut told you mattered and was right is very addictive, when it came to ramarajyam protest, Yes i broke the hearts of many, we ended up loosing tathva and ragam that year... but more and more students, alumni were behind me supporting me saying what I did was the right thing to do, do I have anything concrete to show for what I've done that day ? No! Ig I don't... did anything really change ? answer to that also might also just be NO... But I still feel it had to be done. It was the right thing to do... It's a hard pill to swallow, Ik I might still startle some feathers when people who worked for these events end up reading this. I keep repeating this almost every aspects of my life. Especially when it comes to Love, The essense of the protest I staged on 2024 Jan 22nd was rooted from the deep love I have felt to the NITC campus it's rich history and those brave souls including that of Rajan's who decided to do the harder thing to do. And when I am in Love, I might do this all over again...

This is my burden, this is my Doom ? stuck in this cycle... can't break free ? if I were to not do anything that day... what would have happened ? what different version of NITC might be here rn ? will it be significantly different ? I keep climbing up to heaven seeking love only to drag down those I end up loving to hell along with me. Sure enough I'm forced to let go, as I've ran away from campus for a year and I don't think that version of me ever got back to campus again... I don't love or care for campus remotely close to how much I did back in the day, but there are others who do and as I was leaving they were given the chance to love and care for them. And as I saw her thriving I got to feel happy again knowing that there still are those who love her. It's almost time for me to run away again this time forever maybe ? once I'm done with this sem I don't see myself coming back here as what I am or what I've been to campus in this life... My time here is coming to it's last seconds. I must fall again to the feiry depths of hell and like sisyphus climb back up again once I'm roasted... finding new love finding new path, for each time I've to find a new one and can't take the old one back again.

In pursuit of being the rock that one can rely on, I became the earthquake of their lives and the only hope I can hold onto is knowing that with that earthquake they have found their rocks which won't be me. Like Satan that forced christians to find God, and christ who got crucified made their redemption I find peace in the role I had to play, even with all the pain each and every one of us had to endure.

Farewell ?